Seek and ye shall find that job in Cairo

13/08/2010 at 10:20 · Filed under Light as a feather, Uncertainty

Yes, that’s right. I’ve been offered a teaching job in Cairo… Yeah, the one in Egypt. And I’ve applied for another job out there – in the hopes of pulling in a bit more cash – at the same place I applied a year ago. Last year I was brutally rebuffed; this year, however, I’ve been asked to set up a phone interview. Now I’m just waiting to hear when this interview will take place, but my friend – she taught at this one last year and will be just minutes away this year – says that I’ll likely get the job. Just the fact that they asked for an interview is good news, according to her.

So I’ll hope for this other job but will still be happy if I don’t get it, as I’ve already got the other job lined up. (But really, I want the job at my friend’s old school.)

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To the point

14/07/2010 at 23:31 · Filed under Light as a feather ·Tagged , ,

I’m totally knackered right now, so I’ll be going to bed shortly. But before I do, I wanted to quickly mention a band I’ve recently fallen in love with: Jesse LaMonaca and the Dime Novels. They’re a local band here in San Diego, and they’ve got this rich, funky blues sound. My friend and I stumbled across them when we went out for drinks downtown. We ended up at La Puerta, randomly met some fellow couch surfers – one of whom is a friend/roommate of some of the band members – and walked out with their CD. I’ve hardly listened to anything else since then; I even went to another bar tonight to hear them play; it was just their lead singer tonight, but that was fine by me. I spoke to him on my way out, just to let him know that I bought their album and that I thought their music was great. He seemed very humbled by and appreciative of the compliment. I hope to hear them play at least once more before I head back home.

Why does it always seem that I have to move right when I really start to enjoy where I am? The world may never know.

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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

16/06/2010 at 12:03 · Filed under Light as a feather ·Tagged , , , , ,

My sister is pregnant! I’m gonna be an auntie! Of course, I’m already an aunt, which my darling sister brought to my attention only after I posted that it’ll be my first time as an aunt… We have a brother in Australia. He has a daughter. I’m a dick. In my defense though, I’ve never met my niece and sadly don’t have much contact with my brother. I know that’s really no excuse to have forgotten something like that, but I try to stay in touch and he only seems interested in chatting it up with my sister.

But I’m not getting into that, at least not in this post. This is about my sister and how happy I am that she’s finally got a bun in the oven!

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Excuses, excuses

07/06/2010 at 23:38 · Filed under She's so heavy, Uncertainty ·Tagged , , , ,

Today has been a day of uncertainty. While thinking of what the future holds, I decided that I don’t want to teach English anywhere, that I want a job or internship at a photography studio – back in Oklahoma, that maybe I do want to teach and that I want to get back with my high school boyfriend.

Say what??

Let’s start with the very beginning (a very good place to start, so I’ve heard). Right, not wanting to teach. This is something I’ve gone over before. Summing up, I’m not as passionate about teaching as I think I should be. Yes, I want to teach – namely overseas – but it’s not my passion. Segue to what’s next and what really is my passion: photography. More precisely, getting a job as a photographer. In Oklahoma. I think the main reason I actually want to go home for a job is because I’m tired of feeling like a mooch here in California. Not that anybody’s necessarily made me to feel that way; it’s just a pride thing. I guess I kinda just miss home too. There are a lot of things I’m missing out on back there, and I wish I could be part of all the fun. Though I know as soon as I’d get home, I’d be missing all the goings-on here, but that’s going to happen no matter where I end up. Someone is always going to be having fun without me somewhere else.

And now to the part about me wanting to get back with the ex. I was fb stalking earlier this evening and came across some wedding photos that a mutual friend was tagged in. Well, I’m a sucker for wedding photos – plus I like to get ideas for the future, should I ever get a photography job or a boyfriend – so I dove right in. When I got to a photo of this friend, I thought to myself, My, he’s gotten a tad chunky. I know, I’m shallow. It’s a curse. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw what looked like my ex’s name. Sure enough, upon further review, it was his name. So I scoured this photo, and once I found him… Boy, I was shocked. He looks nothing like he did when we were dating; he looks “healthy”; he looks… Amish. This is hardly what got me to wanting him back. No, instead it was his hand. His. Hand. It looked so strong, so firm in this photo; like a hand I’d want to hold in mine… Again. A hand so powerful, yet gentle. I can imagine him holding my face in that hand; running that hand through my hair; fondling a ring box in his pant pocket with that hand. It’s extreme, I know, and I had to force myself to close out that window – but not before looking through his photos, seeing his girlfriend and realising that I only want to be with him again because I’m lonely and missing male attention.

So what have I learned about myself? Nothing new, really. I’m indecisive about what I want to do with my life – mostly because I can’t motivate myself to apply for anything; I’m lonely. I’m working on that first one: I’ve got a cover letter started and will be editing it in the morning. I’ve also forwarded my CV to a friend who has offered to check his contacts to see if they’ve got any leads on teaching jobs. I realise that I decided to give up on teaching and go back home because I convinced myself it wasn’t really something I was cut out to do; those were just excuses. I want to teach; I want to travel overseas to do so. I’ll find a job that suits me, and when I do, I’ll be more than willing to leave the familiar behind to embark on a new adventure. It’s just going to take a bit more time and effort on my part to accomplish this goal.

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“I wish I was back in the Army”

31/05/2010 at 11:44 · Filed under Light as a feather, She's so heavy ·Tagged , , , ,

As I’m sitting here getting ready for our Memorial Day barbeque, I’m reminded of a feeling I felt at the baseball game yesterday. I felt shivers as the sailor began singing our national anthem; I felt giddy when the navy helicopters flew over the stadium; I felt proud as the crowd began to cheer once the words “home of the brave” escaped the lips of that sailor.

Pride. It’s something I feel everytime someone sings the national anthem, whether it’s at a run benefitting our armed forces or an OU football game. I get chills just thinking about all the people collectively revering not only Old Glory, but our nation’s prinicples and the men and women who have fought – and who are fighting – to uphold those principles and freedoms.

As much as I may complain about the people in charge and the way they’re running this nation – into the ground, as some may say – I still love America and respect everyone in the Armed Forces. So today, as well as every other day, I give my thanks to the men and women of the Marines, Navy, Army, Air Force and Coast Guard – reservists and active duty personnel.

To my Uncle Mark and cousin Eric who are serving overseas right now: I love you both and appreciate all that you do for our country. We’re all praying for your safe return.

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Beggars can’t be choosers

25/05/2010 at 22:26 · Filed under She's so heavy, Uncertainty

I had a wonderful chat with an equally wonderful friend this afternoon. We talked about everything. If this had been a date, it would rank as the best date in the history of man. It’s a shame I’m not interested in this guy romantically. That was actually one of the things we talked about. Not the fact that I don’t like him like that; just about our standards for the opposite sex and whether or not they’re set too high. I don’t think he’s got his set as high as mine, but I’m pretty sure we can both agree that we’re selective; picky, if you will. I mentioned that I’m worried maybe my standards are too high. Like, I want an attractive guy, but I likely won’t find one as gorgeous as I’m hoping for. It’s like when I was talking to my cousin about the very same thing: guys like him are looking for drop dead gorgeous girls, and ‘cute’, nerdy girls like me don’t have a chance.

So does that mean everyone’s standards are too high? I think everyone wants an ideal mate: good-looking, intelligent, kind-hearted. Unfortunately, not all of those qualities are oft found in a singular entity. That’s like saying I want a man who looks like Bradley Cooper, is as smart as Stephen Hawking and has the heart the size of Mother Teresa’s. Okay, so maybe that’s a bit extreme, but it’s a rough estimate. When I walk into a room with my guy, I want girls to envy me; not only because I’m with this gorgeous guy, but because I’m not so bad looking myself. Of course, this is all rather delusional, but a girl can dream.

But should a girl dream? I often fantasize about guys that I’ve formed a rather large crush on, creating perfectly scripted scenarios for us to act out in my mind. This is all very dangerous because now I’ve set myself up for disappointment. Things don’t happen in real life the way they do in films. I’ve got it in my head that I’m going to change Mr Vegas’ mind about relationships and marriage and love; that I’m going to be the one he falls for and spends the rest of his life with. I have absolutely no reason to believe this would happen. He’s not expressed any interest in being with me; he makes it very clear that he never wants to be married; he’s all but given up on finding love. And yet, I’ve convinced myself that he… He is my elusive “other half”.

The really messed up thing is that I’ve convinced myself of that with plenty of guys, sometimes more than one at any given moment! There’s the Welsh boy, a friend of a good friend; the Frenchie that I had a summer fling with; Scott (need I say more?); one of the American boys I met at Edge Hill; one of the British boys I met at Edge Hill… The list goes on and on. It’s pitiful; embarassing even. But I can’t stop myself. I’d rather live in this fantasy world where I can ensure a happy life than wonder why I can’t even have a mediocre real life.

But perhaps it’s because I’ve created this neverland of sorts that I don’t have as happy a real life as I’d like. I’m spending too much time imagining perfection and turning down what could actually make me happy, no scripts needed. Am I resolving to give up my imaginitive ways? No; not anytime soon anyway. Am I going to stop pretending that life could really end up like that? I sure as hell am going to try. I want the fairy tale – I think most girls do – but I’m not setting my sights on it. If I get it, well I will be one happy camper; if I don’t however, I’m not going to spend my time wondering why not. There’s too much else out there for me to experience, even if I do have to go it alone.

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It’s a new dawn; it’s a new day

19/05/2010 at 22:31 · Filed under Light as a feather, Uncertainty

The sun came back today, both literally and figuratively. I’m not feeling as down about the job anymore, mainly because I know it’s not the end of the world. I’ve still not got a ‘Plan B’ together yet – even though it’s pretty much a rehashing of the first plan: apply for a teaching job and hope like hell that I get it. I just don’t feel motivated to apply for more jobs. Not really because I might get rejected… I think it’s more that I might get a job offer.

I’ve been so unsure of what I want to do with my life that I’ve settled on this idea of teaching English overseas. Sure, it’s a cool gig – from what I’ve been told – and I am somewhat interested in doing it. But I think for the wrong reasons. I think it’d be cool to get to travel somewhere new; I’ll have a tax-free income (at least American tax free)… I think I signed up for the TEFL course because I felt that there was nothing else I could do. I have a BA in French, which qualifies me for very little. I guess I felt like teaching overseas would get my foot in the door for some other job that might put my degree to good use. Now that I’ve taken this teaching course, I’ve realised it’s definitely not what I want to do. I was always on the fence before taking the class whether this was a good idea or not, but I took it anyway because I thought it was my best option. And now I’m not so sure I should have thrown away my grandparents’ money like that.

I want so badly to throw in the towel on this whole teaching endeavour and find a pathway to a job that really gets me going… like photography. I should’ve stuck with that at university instead of changing my mind a hundred times and settling on something that was easy. Of course, if I abandon the search for a teaching job, everyone will think I’m giving up or that I’m afraid of more rejection. Or that I’m fickle and will never find something that makes me happy… To which they’d probably say, “Get over it. Suck it up. Not everyone gets to do what they want.”

Well, I’m not everyone. I don’t want to settle for something that only gives me lukewarm feelings. I don’t want to just be happy that I have a job; I want to be happy with my job. I know there’s something out there for me that just… Fits. I’ll find it. And I hopefully won’t have to suffer through too many other jobs in the process.

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The human torch was denied a bank loan.

17/05/2010 at 10:32 · Filed under She's so heavy

The weather this morning reflects my mood, though it was oddly clairvoyant. I woke up to my alarm clock and noticed it was a bit darker than it normally is this time of day. So I looked out the window and saw grey. Clouds as far as the eye can see. It was like this yesterday too. Should I have taken it as a bad omen? Perhaps. I logged onto my email this morning, checking to make sure the all-important email about the job in Korea still wasn’t there. I was shocked to see it sitting in my inbox, just waiting to be read. I opened it, fearful that it would deliver news I wasn’t ready for – either not getting the position or getting it and having to leave the familiar. The clouds hovering overhead, I read it: “After much deliberation, my director has selected another candidate for the position.” Ouch. Here I had been waiting close to two weeks for a response, checking my email countless times everyday, only to find this bomb waiting this morning.

I wasn’t ready to face rejection today. I had started to make myself believe that this person had forgotten all about me and wouldn’t be offering me the job – or sending a rejection email – ever. I was more prepared for that. So now I have to face the day with an invisible, but burning, “rejected” stamp on my forhead.

I know not everyone gets the first job they apply for, or even the second or tenth, but this one has really put me in a mood. I won’t give up – maybe – but for now, I don’t want words of encouragement; I don’t want pick-me-ups (unless it’s flowers and balloons); I don’t want to hear that there’s something better coming. I want to be sad about this for a bit. I have every right to be, I think. Don’t take away my grieving time! I’ll get over it, and when I do I’ll figure out another plan. But for now, my life has been put on hold for an undetermined amount of time.

[As if to mock me, the clouds have let go some proverbial rain, and I continue to be plagued by this cold I've been fighting the past few days. Boy, when it rains, it pours.]

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[untitled]

12/05/2010 at 11:38 · Filed under She's so heavy, Uncertainty ·Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I could really go for a good cry right about now. Hormones are most likely to blame in this case. Nothing’s really bad in my life right now. I’m getting by financially – but only just barely; I get to see my family all the time; I’m about 20 minutes away from the beach and about 20 seconds from a pool. But you know a girl needs more than that. I need my mom to go running with; my dad tell me how proud he is of me; my sister to bake scrumptious goodies to indulge in; a man to cuddle with; my best friend to gush with about that man.

[It's 11:11; making a wish]

I’ve been feeling really homesick as of late. I find myself wishing I was back in Oklahoma; back at my miserable job at the law firm; running on Riverside on Saturday mornings, then having a bagel with our running group afterward; back in my parents’ living room when the babies are sleeping over. I miss those kids like crazy. It always makes me feel a little better when their mom tells me that they were asking about me – they still remember me(!) –  or when I get to ‘talk’ to them on the phone – and by talk I mean me saying hello a billion times, them saying hello back once or twice, awkward (but lovable) silences, and then my mom getting back on the phone because the kiddos looked confused. How horrible is it going to be if I get this teaching job in South Korea and have to go a year without seeing these people? I’ve just got to remember to enjoy the experience abroad and cherish the time I’ll get to spend with family before I leave and after I get home.

I know this is the kind of life I’ve essentially signed myself up for – a nomadic existence with new jobs and experiences round the world for unknown lengths of time – and I can’t wait for my next adventure… But then there are times – like now for instance – that I wonder if I’m missing out on some of the things I’m so desperately seeking because I’m always on the move. I don’t have a place to really call home; I don’t get to see my immediate family at the drop of a hat (which, okay, that wouldn’t happen anyway as I have no intention of settling down in OK); a serious relationship with a guy that could someday become my husband. Granted, in regards to that last one, there’s no telling where I’ll meet the right guy. It could be at the beach next week; it could be on the plane to South Korea; it could even be my friend’s friend in Wales. I have no idea when it’ll happen.

So do I dig in my heels here and pass up opportunites to expand my horizons – professionally, mentally, physically; or do I pack up my bags and leave again and possibly miss crossing paths with the love of my life? I could go on all day arguing each side. And that would be silly. I want to take risks; I want to explore this world; I don’t want to tie myself down to a place and time that isn’t ideal just because I’m afraid of losing it and not finding it – or something like it – ever again.

So, as I’ve done in the past – and will undoubtedly do in the future – I will leave you with the words permanently written on my side; in my brain; in my soul: There will be an answer; let it be.

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The waiting…

11/05/2010 at 23:23 · Filed under She's so heavy, Uncertainty

…really is the hardest part. I still haven’t heard back from the guy who interviewed me for the teaching job in South Korea. My friend – who’s out there teaching now and found the job – emailed me the other day saying that this guy was leaning toward me over the other person in the running but that he still had to talk to the boss man to choose who the lucky person will be.

My friend seemed confident though, after having talked to this guy, that they would choose me in the end. Of course, this got my hopes up – which is always a bad thing. Now I’ve convinced myself that I’ve got this thing in the bag, and it’s going to be really disappointing if I don’t in fact get the job. I really hope I do (even though I’m scared shitless that it’s going to happen and I’ll be in a different country for a year). I know it’d be a good experience; I’ve just never been out of the country for that long. Sure I studied abroad for a semester, but that was only four months of basically traveling. And I wasn’t teaching anything.

I just need to put on my patience cap and cool it on checking my email every five minutes.

Que sera, sera.

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